it's a fine line

Where's the middle ground between being too desperate and hardening your heart, while managing to not to suppress your heart or throw it away? Perhaps it all comes down to being inviting and discerning....but how do learn to be discerning?....so many thoughts that are running through my head inspired by a few conversations I've had this past week.
Another thought running through my head is actually a picture of God. I've sang the song "God our protector" ever since I can remember, but I never really understood what that meant. I haven't been in many situations in life where I felt that I needed a protector. (I may have needed one, but I've usually felt like I was safe or could protect myself if I needed to). I went to a baseball game the other day (for a 'family' father-son outing) and a foul ball came right at us and actually landed about 5 seats over from us only 2 rows behind us. Immediately the guy beside me (my brother-in-law's brother) was yelling "heads up!" and he put his hands up over to protect me from if the ball would land on my head...or maybe he just wanted to catch the ball ;)....either way I felt very protected. It may sound like something very insignificant, but I had never had that feeling of knowing that someone would protect me if I was threatened before. I mean, had the ball come straight at me, I'm sure I could've got out of the way or caught it or something...but that's not the point. Then yesterday I was talking to a guy that I work with about some customers that make me nervous and he said, "next time they come through, call me to your checkout and I'll take care of them." Though, I probably would never take him up on that offer...it's still nice to know someone cares enough to want to protect me. Maybe I sound like a "I-can't-do-anything-for-myself" girly girl...But I was thinking about the feeling of being protected, and how much more God loves and protects us. I shouldn't be afraid because God cares for me far more than any human ever could, and doesn't want to see me hurt. I'm not saying I'm exempt from hurt, because I'm not. I'm not perfect and I live in a fallen world with other imperfect people and I've been hurt and I've hurt other people....but God's love and desire to protect us and carry us through these times is still the same. I don't know if that made sense...it's just a bunch of unsorted thoughts in my brain.
I need to get ready for my last shift of work!!

it's coming to an end

To quote a friend of mine..."Oh wow!" What a week it's been! Only 2 days of work left. One shift left at each place. I'm having conflicting emotions...on one hand I'm super excited to go back to school...on the other hand, I'm just starting to get comfortable with the conveniences of home life. But once again, we must move on. There are certain things I've been especially thankful for in the week or so: being able to use a car (sometimes truck!), having food stocked in the fridge, having long hair....there were more, I just got distracted...But since I'm being random anyway...have you ever met a complete stranger, but they feel incredibly familiar to you, but there is no reason that they should be familiar? I had that experience...it was weird.

Put on your old gray bonnet...

...with the blue ribbons on it, and we'll hitch up Tiger to the sleigh
And thru the fields of clover, we'll ride on to Dover
On our golden wedding day.

What a fun and crazy day I had yesterday! First of all we led singing in our church. It was alot of fun! Although most of the songs weren't familiar to most of the people...there were a few people who I saw singing along to all of them! After church I took a nap....intending to wake up at 2pm so that I could get ready for work. Well, I slept through my alarm and at 3:15 my dad stormed into my room and said, "Wake up! You're supposed to be at work!" (I was supposed to be there at 3pm) They had already called my house to see where I was. eeks! So I hurried like mad woman. And I got to work and they all made fun of me. Then some of the residents were really chipper and one of them was teaching us songs (like the one at the top). One of the songs was a little sketchy...but funny! It was the cutest thing to watch her sing...and then she'd chuckle in between. It was terribly cute! I had so much fun at work...sometimes it feels like it just drags on...I think it depends on who I work with...Don't get me wrong, they're all very nice people...Just some I have more in common with than others...and we can joke around and have more fun together!

Anger

It's so weird how certain (seemingly little) things, can trigger such an outpouring of emotion. Sometimes it's tears, sometimes it's a laugh or a giggle, and other times it's frustration and anger. I've given up analyzing myself to understand why I smile or laugh when I do...because, frankly, I laugh at the most inappropriate times for no reason...honestly. My funny bone is just very ticklish I guess. But when I have outbursts of anger...I usually want to know why. I know certain things that set me off...but I'd like to know why. How can I deal with it if I don't know why? Am I mad at God for allowing these things to happen as opposed to other things that I would rather have happen? Or am I mad at the people that initiated the situation to occur...because I think that I know their motives...and it's their alleged motives that make me angry? Or am I angry at myself for allowing myself to be in these circumstances? Or maybe I over-analyze things....which gets me even more frustrated because I don't have any answers....and no answers means no solution to fix my problem. Now that I've ranted...I think I'll sleep better at night!

Attitude

by the Supertones

I woke up in the morning,
And I realized what I jerk I've been,
Feel like I need to call up,
And say I'm sorry to all my friends,

Now I see how God's working,
Sensitizing that part of me,
I've been learning the difference,
Between attitude and identity.

(chorus)
I'm sorry about who I am,
I'm not who I'm trying to be.
For some reason my bad attitude comes so easily.

Love is like an addiction,
And I hope that I'm gettin' hooked.
Spread it like an infection,
Seein' Christ everywhere I look

I dont want to be know as
"The handsome guy with the attitude"
I'm sick of makin' excuses,
It's not ok for me to be rude.

(chorus)

Your breaking down my defenses,
And I'm findin' I'm not so hard,
Love is knockin' me senseless,
Love is catchin' me off my guard.

And now this chip on my shoulder,
Is losing some of it's jaggedness.
Lord I want to draw closer,
Leave behind all my bitterness.



****Sorry, I know it's another 'cop out' entry...but it's what was on my mind. I'll write a "REAL" entry one of these days...don't worry!

Presence

By Peter Furler, Steve Taylor, Tim Hughes

I lift up my voice
To The King, The King of glory
I hold out my hands
To The One who is worthy
I long for Your presence
I long, Lord, I need Your touch

Come, oh Lord, and fill up my life
With the light of Your presence
This is my heart's desire
Oh Father, come and let Your spirit abide
I long for Your presence
This is my heart's desire

I long to be washed
In the well of Your mercy
I long to be warmed
by the fire of Your glory
I long for Your presence
I long for Your healing touch

Come, oh Lord, and fill up my life
With the light of Your presence
This is my heart's desire
Oh Father, come and let Your spirit abide
I long for Your presence
This is my heart's desire

It's my desire
(I wanna feel Your presence)...

Beauty

This is a picture of the throne room in the Neuschwanstein castle in Germany. It was one of the most beautiful castles that I visited. This room...actually most of the rooms have their own unique story behind them. This castle, built by King Ludwig II (I think), was never finished because the King died before it was completed. (He drowned mysteriously, only a couple of days after he was diagnosed as being insane). The major piece missing in this elaborately decorated room is the actual throne. It never got delivered. The mural, I believe has saints, angels and Jesus pictured. It took my breath away to stand in this room! It was beautiful!

Well, I was reading 'Captivating' today during my lunch break, and I was again reminded about the beauty of God and how much he longs for us to enjoy His beauty. He created beautiful things like sunsets, waterfalls, oceans, and stars for us to enjoy and to remind us of His beauty. He has also created us with the ability and the desire to also create beautiful things, like music, paintings, food, stained-glass windows, afgans, clothes, and so many other things. I don't remember if I had a point to this...these are just my current thoughts.

here and there and everywhere

My life is work....I had an amazing day off, but in the back of my head I knew that this day was soon coming to an end and would usher in another crazy work week.....Ahh yes, one must make a living. I got a letter from Joanna today!!! I was so excited! All in all it was a super fantastic day!!
Today it was a week since we came back from Iowa. It's amazing how quickly you can revert back into your old habits and way of thinking. I have such a different attitude when I'm here, at home....That's something I need to work on. But I am thankful for the amazing friends and memories I made! I need to do some thinking now...

I guess I've been tagged

10 years ago today-> I don't think that I remember. Actually I think that was the summer, my family went to BC on vacation. We probably would've been on our way back today.
1 year ago-> same place as now...working the same jobs as now, probably feeling as sleep-deprived as now.
Yesterday -> I worked a double shift and yeah...that's pretty much all I did.
Tomorrow -> Church!!!! Then out for lunch with Keny, Morden and my sister!!!!!....and then work in the evening.
5 snacks I enjoy -> Nachos and salsa, popcorn, chocolate, chips, cookies
5 adult beverages I enjoy -> If you know me, you know my answer.
5 bands I know the lyrics to-> delirious, switchfoot, larue, shania twain...and (do I admit this one?) the backstreet boys ;)
5 things I would do with $100 000 000 -> go on a long trip around the world, pay off my loans, donate money to Prov to develop a Nursing program, give money to missionaries, and save some for my children's college fund....if I ever have children
5 locations I would like to run away to -> Churchill, PEI, Hawaii, Poland, Paris
5 bad habits I have -> apathy, assuming, chewing gum (all the time!), backing off too quickly, and not saying what I really want to say
5 things I love doing -> being with friends and family, making music (singing/piano/guitar), playing sports (volleyball, fastball, hockey!), rollarblading, and being in the presence of God.
5 things I would never wear -> I don't know...I'd probably wear anything...just maybe not in public.
5 tv shows I like -> CSI, Jeapardy, Corner Gas, Train 48, The Bachelor/ette
5 movies I like-> Anne of Green Gables, That thing you do, Napolean Dynamyte, Oceans 11 and 12, Spiderman 1 and 2
5 famous people I would love to meet-> Mac Powell, Paul Harvey, Martin Smith, Oprah, and Philip Larue
5 biggest joys at the moment -> Finding my inner Lindy, eating food, listening to Shania, being with my favorite middle sister, practicing my dance moves that I learned from a resident this evening!
5 favorite toys-> toss and tickle me elmo, all my stuffed animals (50+)....well, I guess I exceeded the limit....
5 people to tag -> I don't have 5 friends!

Golden Grahams are the man!

It's been quite the last 10 days! I wouldn't have traded this experience for anything in the world! I just got back from Iowa tonight. Marce and I were chaperone's (if you can believe it) for the youth mission trip! It was an incredible time of worship....whether it was by meeting new people, tearing apart walls, cleaning a filthy basement, dry walling, making food, making music, playing sports, praying, wrestling, having church services....It was all a type of worship! I learned so many things about myself and how I react in different circumstances, about the Body of Christ, about generousity, about playing guitar, about cooking, about construction, and about making assumptions about people before you get to know them.

We had some crazy adventures, starting with crossing the border. They made us take EVERYTHING (music equpiment and all) out of the bus. Then they searched it and our bags and then took Aaron's bag and searched it in the back room, because the search dog liked it a little too much! On the way back we stopped at a gas station, and when we wanted to get going, the bus wouldn't start...so we had to pile out of the bus and push it and it came to life. There are so many other stories...but right now I'd love to go to bed! It's going to be so wierd to be home. I'm going from sharing a bathroom with 19 other people to having my entire house (with 3 bathrooms) entirely to myself. I think I'll be a little lonely.
Goodnight and Kakapaypay!